I am still waiting for my ANCs to come back.  My biopsy was rescheduled for Tuesday so hopefully they will be high enough by then.  The waiting is just brutal.  I need to know what is going to happen next.   Ugh….

I need my ACNs(absolute neutraphils) to be at the very least 0.9 for my bone marrow biopsy.  On Monday I was 0.7.  I NEED them to come up.  So frustrating.  Come on body, please cooperate so it doesn’t get delayed another week.  Ideally they would love for my ACN count to be at 1.2, but I highly doubt that will happen.  Which totally sucks.  I just want an accurate count and reading.  I need to know what we are going to do next.  Not knowing is killing me.  Or at least driving me slowly crazy.  Come on body, cooperate.  I know that it typically takes a while for my body to regenerate ACN’s, but seriously it’s been almost two and a half weeks.  Let’s go already.

No bone marrow biopsy yesterday.  Ugh, I hate the waiting game.  My ANC levels were not high enough.  WTF.  It is postponed until next week.  My levels will definitely be high enough.  I just want answers already.  I hate the unknown.  It’s so nerve racking.  I can’t stand it.  It’s creating such a horrible amount of anxiety that it’s driving me nuts.  I just want to know what is going to happen next no matter if it’s fucking awful or amazing to course 5.  I just want answers.  I feel paralyzed with my life.

Here is another one of my favorite quotes, “If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day.  That’s a heck of a day.  You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.”-Jimmy V.

This year I have had a lot of these days.  FULL days of living.  I think 365 though is enough.  I want to have just okay days every now and again.  Please at least just for a little while.

I was devastated the other day when I thought I wouldn’t be able to go back to work because of insurance reasons.  I didn’t realize I liked or needed it that much.  I guess it’s part of my identity.  I love coming to work and the people I work with.  It’s like a second family.  All is figured out for the time being, hopefully I won’t need to take any more time off than I already have.  I will say going back to work now, perception defiantly changes work.  It’s not that I care less about my job by any stretch of the imagination.  I guess I just worry less, which is a good thing.

Kids cancer couldn’t take me out.  I made it to 32, bitches.  Yes, today is my birthday.  Although this year I will be spending the day much differently than in the past.  I will be at the hospital for my weekly doctors appointment.  YAY me.  All I wish for my birthday is to continue on to course 5 of this shit.  That’s all.  Nothing more.

I hate you fucking cancer.  You are a dick.  You make my life harder than it needs to be.  Go away.  One more week before my biopsy which determines my fate.  I need you to be gone.  Let me go into maintenance.  The stress and worry is too much for me to handle.  I feel like until the results come back my life is on hold.  It completely sucks.  You own my ass right now and I don’t want you.  Stop holding me hostage.

I walk around like frankenstein because of all the joint pain you are causing.  Just go away already.  I want my new normal already.

It feels so good to be back at work again, even if it is only part time.  I forgot how much I missed the office and the people.  I am such a loser to think these things.  I can’t wait until I can go back full time.  It’s great hearing all my customers, the gossip, happenings that are going on.  I can’t get enough of it.  It’s like running on adrenaline.  I was exhausted by the end of the day yesterday but it still felt so good.  I got the new iphone six which was awesome and unexpected.  Definitely not necessary but I’ll take it.  I like feeling busy like I am doing something even though I am not doing a whole lot right now.

It’s kind of like the first day of school.  Today is my first day back to work since February.  This weird road I have been on has taken me on some strange twists and turns but I am finally making progress back to normal.  I have this excited nervousness that is hard to explain.  Can I still do well at my job?  Do I remember how to do everything?  All these questions that are running through my head.  Ohh I should just shut up and take an ativan.

Today is the last day of course four.  YAY.  I made it to the end.  After today is a waiting game for about two, waiting for my bone marrow to regenerate enough to get a bone marrow biopsy done.  This biopsy means everything.  It is the most important of all of my biopsies that I have had thus far.  It will determine weather or not I will go into course five maintenance or have to get a bone marrow transplant.  I have never been so scared, nervous and exited all at the same time.  I almost want to hold my breathe the entire time, if that were possible.

Through all these body aches, pains, nausea to be just on to maintenance would be just amazing.  Please if anything I would want more in the world right now, that would be it.

So we went dinner last night at Blackbird, which of course was delicious, for our anniversary.  We said we wouldn’t do presents or even cards but of course A had something planned.  He made for us a honeymoon album.  Yes, we haven’t printed any pictures out of our honeymoon.  Whoops.  So he made one of us on our honeymoon in Mo’orea island and it was beautiful and sweet.  It was actually perfect.  Looking at the pics, I forgot just how amazingly beautiful it was.  My sweet husband.

Then as we were sitting there eating dinner the lovely couple next to us overheard it was our anniversary and tried to buy us our desert and a glass of wine.  We of course declined, that is way over the top of complete strangers, but they were so sweet.  People can be VERY surprising.

Side note:  We were at the pharmacy early in the day at the hospital to pick up a script.  As we were in line a woman behind us just started asking what kind of cancer I had and that she was a year out breast cancer survivor.  I am used to this by now because it happens to me a lot at the gym but it was a first for A.  He was like so, “thats what that feels like.  I am not sure if I like it.”  It is an aggressive move by complete strangers.