My stupid dumb fucking cancer has been so relentless and aggressive that every single time I think I may be in a safer zone, it comes and just gut punches.  Monday I will go in for a bone marrow biopsy to see if the immunotherapy is working.  After that there is a very “loose” game plan.  Which doesn’t help me really explain anything.  There are possible paths that they are considering for example:

1. one more round of innotuzomab (one treatment a week for 3 weeks total, then pull another bone marrow biopsy.)
2. Do another lumbar puncture with a round of intrathecal chemo.  Ugh the absolute fucking worst.  Please no.
3. They wait for these results of the biopsy since they have already taken me off my autoimmune suppressants and see if my brother’s cells take over and do their job.

Not really knowing how they are going to proceed is scary but this really has been the last year.  Let’s just wait and see.  But I am truly exhausted mentally, physically and just reaching these levels that I have never been before.  The amount of “what if” scenarios are exhausting.  I feel like I am just moving through these motions with no real.  Why is my cancer so fucking aggressive.  I mean seriously?  I haven’t really slept in a month and it’s starting to wear on me.  I try to stay/be positive all the time.  I keep moving and doing the right things but at what point do you just go, “oh my god, enough already, I quit this job”.  I think I just need sleep.  I am in desperate need of sleep.  I am in desperate need of a vacation from this dumb stupid body.  Anyone want to trade?

One giant fuck.  Yup.  Found out last week that my leukemia is back.  They initially found some in my peripheral blood and then called me in for a bone marrow biopsy, which confirmed the cancer is fucking back.  So let’s get to it-What does this mean?  Well we are in a whole lotta uncharted territory so I am not quite sure long term but for the near future, three weeks to be exact this is what will happen.

Three treatments once a week of inotuzomab immunotherapy.  This is the same immunotherapy that allowed me into remission before my stem cell transplant.  After three weeks the doctors will pull another bone marrow biopsy to see where we stand.  They may do another smaller infusion of my brother’s stem cells if necessary just to give them a bit of a “boost”.  Right now all my counts are great.  My white blood cell count did shoot up pretty high after they took me off my autoimmune therapy.  They are giving me plenty of IV fluids, which is actually what I am currently doing in my living room as I type this.  Yup, you know you are way ahead of the game when you have your own IV pole, tubing and supplies to give yourself a bolus of fluids.  Docs changed my meds and that is about it for now.

I do and don’t know what is next if this doesn’t work.  Right now I am just living with these next weeks ahead of me.  It was one big dick punch to the face when I found this out last week.  Especially since I wasn’t feeling bad or sick.  The docs say they believe they got lucky and caught it extremely early.  I guess that’s a positive.  I am angry, sad and a little fucked up right now.  I don’t really know what do to.  I think my one friend said it best “I am just living to die”.  That’s kind of how it all feels because if this shit goes awry, which it could it’s really just an extension of life.

At least for the time being this period of treatment is extremely mild compared to what I have gone through with other chemo treatments so I can do most of the things that I want within reason.  Stupid dumb dick cancer always holding me back.  Fuck off already!