Time out.  Treatment has stopped this week until my neutrophil level goes up.  I am 100, I need to be at 700.  Normal people have over 5,000.  Treatment will continue next week.  So this will be a very slow week of recovery.

This is the first time since I have been diagnosed that I have been left alone over night and god does it feel good.  I felt like I was in a fishbowl, everyone staring.  Do we feed the fish now or later?  So over that shit.  I need to know I can do things on my own.  Not that I have done anything.  Literally.  My dad took me to my infusion appointment today and I haven’t left the house since.  I guess it’s just more the point of the fact that anything else.

I need to know that I can do things on my own without a baby sitter.  I know it’s more for everyone else’s peace of mind than for me.  So I allowed it until I couldn’t take it anymore.  Independence here I come again.  (well maybe)

I am sick and tired of this damn leukemia having a strong hold on my body.  It aches, is sore, my fingers and feet barely have feeling.  This is just the tip of the ice berg.  I WANT MY BODY BACK.  I want to feel normal again.  I don’t want to wake up and struggle to walk down my stairs because every step I take is painful.  I WANT MY FUCKING BODY BACK.  I want to be able to walk more than 2.6 miles without being winded and exhausted.  I try so hard to get stronger everyday, but I feel like my efforts are fruitless.  Two steps forward and three back.  I WANT MY BODY BACK, ALREADY.  I hate walking around like an old man that just got off a horse because I am so sore.  GIVE ME MY BODY BACK.  I am exhausted from the nausea.  Managing it has been difficult but necessary.   Between my three meds I have been pretty lucky to function, I suppose.

ALL I KNOW IS I WANT MY FUCKING BODY BACK.  Fuck this hostile takeover by leukemia.  I am going to do everything in my power to get it back, it’s mine and I am not letting go of it yet.  FUCK YOU LEUKEMIA.  FUCK YOU!

Today was a good day.  I went and joined Gilda’s Club Chicago this morning.  Did some gentle yoga.  Basically just stretching.  I was about 20 to 30 years younger than everyone but the instructor, no joke or exaggeration.

I feel like this will be good for me.  I mean these are my people.  We all have something in common, cancer.  We don’t need to talk about it or say that we have it. It is the unspoken knowledge.

Of course everyone knew my boss and the president of our company who just so happens to be on the board of Gilda’s.  A charity we donated to and never in a million years thought that I would be using the resources.

Gilda’s Club Chicago

I will now have a 22 day break from LP with Chemo infusions.  YAY. I so over the doctors accidentally nixing my nerve.  Just regular old through the pick line infusions for now.  I will take it.

At least this was my view from my infusion room on the 21st floor.  Fucking beautiful.

21st floor of one of the many infusion rooms.

Just a hunch, but this may be how it’s done.

Happy Easter!  It really doesn’t mean anything to me in the religious sense.  Just another sunday.  It was a good day though, yesterday.  Our wonderful friend Sara hosted, myself, T Bear and Heather for a delicious lasagna meal.  Sara is just so over the top wonderful.  People that nice should not exist.

Back to the grind this week.

So glad this week is over!  It was a long one.  8 hours at the hospital Tuesday, 4 hours on Wednesday and 2 hours on Thursday.  I guess it could have been way worse.  Another long day coming up on Tuesday and then hopefully the rest of the week will be okay.

Excited that this weekend is actually supposed to be nice out.  Get some good walks in.  Finally up to 2.6 miles without being completely exhausted.  This whole starting from scratch thing is for the birds.  So challenging.  Just gotta keep on going and moving.  One step(literally) to being stronger.

I received amazing news.   At this point my doctor doesn’t think that I will need a bone marrow transplant.  My chemo is destroying the shit out of my cancer enough.  Side note, my older brother is a match to be a donor if it should ever come to that.

Tired from the weekend.  Slept a LOT, so no sure how that is even possible.

This week is different.  My T Bear is out of town and my second caregiver has been given the nod.  My dad is great, to be able to take me to my appointments.  I couldn’t thank him enough.  I miss my T Bear.  It’s easier with him.  He protects me more so really I just have to show up to things and don’t have to really worry about the details.  I guess that is kind of lazy on my part as well.  But, it is the comfort that I miss.  Now I actually have to navigate us around the appointments.

Long day today at the hospital.  Labs, a LP with IT chemo and finally followed with infusion of chemo.  YAY, let’s kill me from the inside out some more.  I still feel tired and worn still from last week.

Finding out that I had cancer was a huge shock to say the least.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was not what I expected at all.