I have had one good night’s sleep in two weeks.  I am so tired.  Enough with the leg/calf cramps.  I am so over this.  I called my doc and no return call yet.  I can’t go to sleep and when I finally do, I wake up in pain.  This is not sustainable.  I will not keep doing this.

Two years of maintenance like this is not a good way to live.  There have got to be solutions.  I have tried everything.  Hydration, heat, stretching, compression socks, message.  All with no avail.  I need help here.  Suggestions, welcome.

I feel like all I do is complain.  Ugh, I am becoming annoying, even to myself.  I’m tired, nausea, etc…over and over.  It’s exhausting just thinking about it, let alone someone having to read about it.  Over and over again.  I can’t poop and then I can’t stop pooping.  I swear if it’s not one issue, it’s another.  I can’t sleep, leg cramps, exhaustion.  I am so over it.

“Endurance and persistence will be rewarded.”  -Fortune Cookie.

I will take just one normal week please.  Just a normal, run of the mill week.

How many do you get?  Is it unlimited, dependent on the situation?  Or only when it’s to your advantage.  I rarely if ever use it.  Making people feel bad isn’t the way to go.  I feel as though it’s inappropriate.  I don’t know.

I am so tired.  I am just so over all of this cancer stuff.  Maintenence isn’t making me feeling normal.  I feel like shit 90% of the time.  It sucks, big time.  🙁

Painful, hurtful or distressing situations make a person stronger.  It’s like a shield people put up against others to insulate themselves.  I think I do it more than I ever have before.   It’s like I don’t know how to talk to people or interact with them anymore.  I know it’s me but all I can think in my head is, “please don’t ask me anything about cancer or just say something about cancer and get it out of the way”.  It’s fucking depressing.  I am not sure why I care, because I guess I really don’t.   I know I am the awkward one, usually I am.

Speaking of awkward.  My hair is finally starting to grow back and it’s not looking too hot.  I don’t know what to do.  A part of me just wants to shave it because quiet frankly it’s so easy.  The other part knows I have to go through this to get to the other side and should just suck it up.  Ugh, what to do, what to do.

So good news-had my EKG sleep test follow up, they said no abnormal activity.  Which is great.  Bad news-there still is a small clot in my brain.  They said it will always be there and it would be too dangerous to try and go in and break it up because it is so small.  Fun stuff I guess.  In June/July we are going to try and come off of the anti-seizure meds.  Kind of freaks me out.  They said because of the “scar” on my brain I could have another seizure and would go back on the meds, but the first 3 weeks I would be at a higher risk.  Ugh, I could not imagine having another seizure.  It would be brutal.  Risk vs. reward.  Docs said the alternative would be to just stay on them forever, if I wanted.  I don’t know what I want at this point, but I would take a chance to see if I could come off them forever.  So I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

On another note.  I am still having some adverse reaction to the chemo still.  Leg cramps like a mother fucker.  That just is uncomfortable and annoying to say the least.  Nausea and headaches.  Still lighter than previously experienced but not something I want to deal with at all.  Thumbs down.

Stuart Scott died yesterday.  It’s really sad.  He was up against cancer for a long time.  Fought both privately and publicly.  Sad to see someone pass too early because of this fucking shit.

“When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer.  You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”

Well said Scott.  Fuck you, cancer.

So I thought going into the last round (two years) that this would get easier.  Oh boy was I wrong.  It’s just as hard.  It sucks big time.   I am still nausea.  Maintain?  Where and when?  I spend most of my days trying not to look/act sick.  I try to feel normal, but I just feel like shit.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elise-frame/imperfect-metaphors-i-bea_b_6390990.html

This sad, but true article made me cry.