Today is my new birthday.  February 20th.  The day of my transplant.  Since, a transplant basically reboots your entire system it’s starting over.  Do I celebrate?  I don’t really know what’s appropriate.  What I should do is get a mini cake, invite a bunch of people over and smash it with my hands and face like one years do at their birthday party.  All the while saying “I’m one!”  Have everyone watch and cheer.  Creepy when it’s not actually a child.  Creepy when it’s a grown adult.

Do we celebrate these milestones?  I don’t know.  How much of this do people want shoved in their faces?  I don’t really have the answer.  But I will take cake, well maybe not cake but some sort of sweet treat.  😉  I mean really who doesn’t need a reason to eat a brownie or something delicious?

Getting to the root of my anger.  I am working through it.  Trying to get to the root cause.  I figured out where it’s being directed but why it’s there?  I mean I know why some of the anger is there.  Cancer can go fuck itself.  Today is the fourth anniversary of my diagnosis.  Four years of shit, four years of hell, four years of my life being derailed.  I can’t believe it’s been four years.

Is it safe to get back on the life track?  Can I let my guard down enough with cancer to move on with life?  When will it be safe, if ever?  Will I find my groove again?

I have so much more work to do still.  I feel like I have made so much progress already but there is so much more work to do.  Mentally taxing and emotionally draining.  I hate having to talk through problems like an adult.  But I will, I am putting in the work to get better.  Stronger.  Building upon a foundation to get me through this.