I don’t know what is worse, someone trying to give you a lumbar punch for 45 minutes, trying to get the spot where fluid comes out or what?!?  It’s painfully, painful.  I know it’s not the doctor’s fault that I have had so many that the scar tissue has built up so badly he can no longer find the spot.  As tears came down my face from the pain, I just hoped he found the spot so I didn’t have to do it again.  With no such luck.  We are going to have to give it another go next month.  And they said only 5 more total left in all for this protocol.  Ugh, It’s so mentally and physically draining every time.  In the back of my mind I can’t help but think that I am going to have a CF leak and end up in the hospital.  I try to block it out but I just can’t sometimes.  Ohh well on to another day and more chemo….

I cried reading this… I often feel this way.  Yes, I am in remission but I still have 13 months of treatment left.  There is still so much uncertainty.

I have cancer but learned to live with it”

Luckily, thankfully, my brother is my exact bone marrow match, if it were to ever come to that.  But so many people aren’t as lucky as I am.  I love this parody video.  It’s worth the 3 minutes to watch!

Fluctuat nec mergitur translates to “She was tossed by the waves but she did not sink”.  It is a french saying with navel ties as well.  I saw this and thought how appropriate.  Life tends to toss things at us all the time.  Like being in the ocean with absolutely no control.  You either roll with the waves or fight against them; which likely to result in drowning.  I am currently in a sea of fucking cancer.  I want a different beach/ocean.

Cancer in 20’s

I may not be in my 20’s but I definitely feel although this nailed a lot of the guilt on the head.

Biopsy results came back and I am still in remission.   This is amazing news and puts my mind at ease.  I didn’t think I would get “scanxiety” ever since I try not to really think about it.  Whatever comes will come.  There is literally nothing I can do about it.  But this time around it feels different.  I tried not to give it power over my thoughts but it kept creeping in. I guess it’s hard not.  The very thought of having to start over or go through another intense round of chemo is just mind boggling.  But the weight has been lifted, well at least for another six months, until the next bone marrow biopsy.  I finally get it and it’s the worst.  A celebration of a little victory.

Blood Cancer Awareness Month

So much love going out to all those going through treatment or have gone through and made it to the other side.  It’s not the easiest or quickest road to take and there are many bumps, twists and turns along the way.  Only those that have been caregivers or patients will ever really understand how complicated it can be when your own body rejects you.  We get one month for awareness for something that takes years or decades to treat.  Here’s to us!

On a great side note, only 5 more LP’s with IT chemo left.  I can’t fucking wait until these dumb things are over with.  FUCK.