After being back at work now for some time I have realized that work is different.  It’s not harder; it’s just different for me.  I have realized possibly from the chemo or being out of practice for so long that I HAVE TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.  The days of just remembering from one day to the next are gone.  I have to write myself notes, write down conversations and utilize my calendar as much as possible.  I have to double check things more often and make sure I tell people the correct information but overall I hope it hasn’t affected my performance.  I knew there would be challenges to coming back to work.  It’s frustrating at times to not “just remember” when I know I should know the information, but can’t fucking recall it if my life depended upon it.  One day I will get back to that point I am sure of it.  Or at least still hold out hope for it.

Another aspect I am still getting used to is by the end of the day I am spent.  My load is blown.  I just want to get home and sit on my couch and watch law and order or SVU.  My energy is not the same as it once was.  It could be the meds and lack of sleep I get during the night but I manage through the day.  But honestly by Friday I am done.  I usually want to be in bed by 8, falling asleep because I can’t physically keep my eyes open any longer.

Other than these two major differences for the most part, I feel the same.  Hopefully my work is the same.  But it’s hard for me to judge myself.

I know this song seems a bit morbid.  I don’t know why but the farther away from the possibility of death, the more I seem to think about it.  It’s actually quite strange.  I try not to think about why but rather embrace these feelings.  I believe as a culture we have a bad relationship with life and death.  I mean it’s nothing to be scared of.  it happens, we all have our time.

Anyways on a more positive and uplifting note.  1 year and 9 months left of maintenance Chemo.  Ugh, how this will fly by looking back, but just seems so long looking forward.  At least there is light at the end of this tunnel.  On a positive note, I don’t have to make up any of the missed treatments in this phase due to levels being too low, so that is amazing.

Where was this helpful advise when I was in the hospital.  Not sure it would have helped, but it wouldn’t have hurt.

What causes a person to shart?

Found out recently that another young person at one of our customers started a very similar journey about the same time I did last year.  Crazy how parallel life can be.  He is being treated for leukemia, not sure which one, didn’t have the details but is at a different hospital.  Life is a crazy journey, many people never really understand.

I told my husband the other day, mostly to his shock, that if I relapsed and received a bone marrow transplant and relapsed again and there were no other options that I would want to be a part of an experimental treatment.  That way if I did die, it wouldn’t be for nothing.  That hopefully they would be one step closer to helping others.  I know it sounds strange to read and trust me its stranger to even think about.  That’s what I would want.

I believe everyone should have a death plan or as I like to call it an exit strategy.  Trust me, if you don’t plan ahead for the inevitable, how will people know what to do when you can’t make these decisions for yourself any longer?   We all die.  It’s just a matter of when and how.