Acceptance of Life

I had an interesting conversation with a friend over the weekend.  There may have been some wine involved.  It happens.  It had been a month since chemo and we were celebrating the good news of remission.  Anyways, back to my story.  I was saying how there was a huge part of this year thinking I was truly going to die.  I was 110% okay with it.  Shocking to hear, possibly?  When I started to explain why, this is where my friend really couldn’t understand and possibly whoever is reading this may not either.  I do not equate acceptance of the life I have lived as the same as giving up fighting to live.   I may not have had the best childhood, but ever since it became my life choices, life has been amazing.  Even with all the shitty things that have happened, with all the ups and downs.  I may not have always been the best person or made the best decisions, but they are mine.  So with that being said, I have lived a good life.  I am happy, for the first time in a LONG time I am so happy.  I love my husband, who has been amazing.   My family has been amazing.  My friends have been amazing.  My work has been amazing.  I know I need to use a thesaurus, not everything is amazing.  So as I explained this, of course there are things I still want to do with my life.   That will never change.  The change comes from accepting what has already happened.  There is a peace that comes with accepting choices that are in the past, as the past.   It doesn’t mean I will not fight until the bitter end.   I am stubborn, everyone knows that.  I won’t just give up, ever.  I am too much of an asshole to just let things go.  Now it’s just different.  I feel different.   The most fucked up part or the best part I guess is that I had to get cancer to truly accept my life, who I am and how I have lived.  I want to live, but am okay with the possibility of death.  Majority of people can’t understand those words or understand how I can come to these conclusions but perspective is everything.

This year will forever change a part of me going forward.  I am more patient (well most of the time), but my husband may say different.  I am more understanding.  I am calmer, not as rushed as previous.  I take days a time, the best I can.  I am slower physically but hopefully with time that will change again.  My priorities have definitely shifted.  I value my family and friends more than the world.  Without these people this year wouldn’t have been possible.

PS my pic line is out.  I am one step closer.  I am radioactive again, had more chemo starting yesterday.  Saw the doc. And have our final maintenance plan under control:  once a month infusion chemo, blood every week, every two weeks doc. Apptointments, once every three months LP with IT chemo, oral steroids on weeks I get infusion chemo, two chemo pills.  Sounds easy but it’s only two years, I got this shit.

So it doesn’t feel any different than before.  It still hasn’t set in either yet.  I still have my pic line in my arm.  I can’t wait to get it out.  I don’t care if I still have to give blood at least every two weeks.  Get this thing out of me.  It itches and is so uncomfortable.  Plus I hate wrapping my arm every single time I shower.  I am over it.

Okay, enough with the complaining.  I am grateful to be in remission.  I guess it just scares the shit out of me still.  The back of my mind, it’s always possible to come back.  I guess that’s just part of the gig.

My little brother posted this the other day(how the hell did he get so smart?):

For those of you who need it:

“Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute, or an hour or a day, or even a year. But eventually, it will subside. And something else take its place. If I quit, however, it will last forever.”

“The most important thing is this: to be able at any moment – to sacrifice what you ARE, for what you will BECOME!”

Both of these I have lived in for the last.  It’s something that I had to remind myself everyday.  It’s just a temporary thing.  I’ve lived in the grey for the last year, not for reasons that are fun.  I really didn’t know day to day what would happen next.  The mind is a wonderful thing for the body.

You are NOT the father.  haha.  Okay just kidding for the Maury reference.

Results came back great.  I am officially in remission.  No immature blasts cells were found this time around.  YAY.  I can move on to course five, the two years of maintenance.  I still have a long road ahead of me but this is amazing.  One step closer.  I cried immediately after I found out.  Not in happiness or sadness.  I am not sure.  I just cried and then it was over.  I know by now to not get too high or low but I think I am just so tired that there was nothing to give.  I don’t know.  I know in the grad scheme of things this is going to be nothing in my life, I am a total of three years, what’s the big deal.  But I feel so different.  Forever changed by what has happened.

Maintenance is: 2 oral chemo pills and every three months lumbar punch with IT chemo, a vincristine infusion and bone marrow biopsy.

I can barely concentrate.  I am freaking out.  Anxiety ridden.  Waiting for my doctor to call with results is unbearable.  I feel like crying.  I keep checking the time.  It’s only 10:18 AM.  Waiting.

Today could be an amazing day or a horrible one.  Waiting.  Waiting is the worst part of this whole fucking process.  Waiting, recovering, waiting.  Just breathe.  I feel as though there is an elephant on my chest.

Of course I don’t have any ativan with me.  When I need it.  I assumed I had one in my little pill jar but was wrong.  I need one right now.

My doctor was supposed to call and nothing.  NO CALL.  More waiting.

Biopsy is complete finally.  Now we are just waiting for some answers.  Hopefully all goes well and it will be on to course five.  Waiting is the worst but only a few more days and we should know by next week what the game plan is going to be.  Can’t wait to find out.

I am so nervous for this test but I need to know the answer.  I don’t care if it is good or bad.  The waiting for 3 weeks is enough.  My emotions are all over the place.  I try not to think about it but in the end I just want it to be over.  Tears were falling from my face the other day as all I could think about was how I just want to be done with this already.  Enough is enough, when is it over?  But the reality is even if I go directly into course five, it is still two more years.  Two more years.  It’s exhausting thinking about it, talking about it and living in it everyday.  I hate that this disease has made me more selfish than I already am.  It’s a horribly selfish disease.  Fuck it’s all consuming.  I hate it.  I told my husband the other day that he should write a book about cancer.  He looked at me kinda of like “why?”.  I said his perspective is unique.  Title the book “we have cancer”.  It’s not just me, or A, it’s my whole family.  And his, too.  It takes a village and the village that helps me has been overwhelmingly amazing.