I have had about 12 of these but had never experienced the side effects until this time.  Let me tell you they are horrible.  I have pretty much been immobile for two days since the LP because of the pain and headache.  Not to mention the nausea and vomiting that has been happening as well.  Good thing I have to do it next week and for the next three weeks.  Oh, how I can’t wait.  Fuck these side effects, leaving me this way.  I haven’t even been able to sit up, let alone walk.  My schedule is all messed up.  I hate feeling like garbage.  These side effects are worse than just chemo.  I can’t wait to have just the normal chemo again.

Dumb ABC family drama’s pull you in.  Yes, the show is actually slightly horrible, but for some reason you are drawn in my the main characters.  So it seems I will be watching again.  I can’t help it, I am getting sucked in.

It’s not good and unrealistic with her symptoms.  The show is slow and needs to pick up a little bit but I guess I am roped in.

So, some of my treatment is delayed because my neutrophils are not high enough.  I am still at 100 and need to be at 700.  Damn my body.  Only and LP with IT chemo today.  Next week will be the new start date for the rest of my course three to officially start.  So hopefully my body will start to cooperate and get on the same page as treatment.  Come on neutrophils.  Just go up, you know you want to.

I need, need, need my neutraphils do get up to 700.  Last time I checked about two weeks ago they were at 100.  In order to start course three I NEED them to go up.  Come on body, cooperate with me.  The worst part is that there is nothing I can do to help them go up in any way.  I just have to wait for my body to naturally recover.  Come on netraphils.  I will find out today at labs if course three will be delayed or we start on time.  Fingers crossed we can start on time.  🙂  I think I am the only person in the world who wants chemo and gets antsy and anxious when I am not in treatment.  I don’t know what is wrong with me.

So I am back down to 110 lbs.  Not on purpose.  I swear I am eating, I guess just not that much.  It’s time for a deep dish pizza night.  I gain at least a pound with deep dish pizza.  I have learned that is an indicator the doctor’s use to determine if you eating and how bad the nausea is.

Telling people that you have cancer is definitely harder than just actually having cancer.  There is no easy way, you aren’t sure how people will react, either way it’s a very depressing conversation to have with someone.  Unless I email people, I haven’t been able to tell someone in person or over the phone without crying.  I am not sure why, which is probably why I but it off more than anything else or have T-Bear tell people.  I remember when my dad came to the hospital I made Anthony tell my dad before he even got into the room.  I couldn’t do it.  I am not sure if I just didn’t want to see my dad’s reaction or if my own emotions would be so out of control that I wouldn’t be able to get it out regardless.  I think it’s actually the second time my dad actually cried.  The first was when I got married.  So poor Anthony had to the be the bearer of bad news and see my father cry for the second time ever.  All I know is at that moment I needed both of those men more than words could ever explain.  Once you get diagnosed there needs to be a seminar on how to tell people you have cancer and how do deal with people’s reactions.  That would be actually very helpful.  Or hallmark needs to start making cards to send out about having cancer.

Anyways, feeling much better today than previously.  Finally have this nausea under control for the most part.  Go for a walk later and enjoy some of this nice weather we are having.  Hopefully as my body regenerates my neutraphils will cooperate and go up so we can get the course three party started.

Will this nausea just go away already.  I am not sure how much longer I can take this.  I would like one day where I don’t feel like I am going to throw up or dry heave all day long.  Ugh, fuck you cancer.

Ugh, I feel like shit.  I can’t stop dry heaving.  Either just throw up already and get it over with.  I feel horrible.  THIS TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS!

It is an ABC family show.  So, I wanted to watch this show because it’s about a young 20 something girl who gets diagnosed with leukemia.  Thought it would be interesting to see how they are portraying “sick” people.  April, the lead character, finds out she is sick from her distant uncle telling her she has cancer in the middle of the night.  She doesn’t show any signs of being sick expect for one fainting episode.  hmmm.  So, she doesn’t tell anyone in her family about her “cancer”.  Goes and visits her already dead father and learns that there is another girl that is her dad’s secret daughter.  I know it’s supposed to be a family drama but they are really dragging this out.  Not sure if I will continue to watch or not because it doesn’t seem very realistic, duh family drama.  But typically people don’t avoid cancer diagnosis.  Just saying.  So to be continued on this one.

The fist time I saw the preview I was extremely adamant about not watching this show.  Why would I want to see someone with cancer doing it better than me.  But then it made me curious how society is seeing or think that cancer is.  How functional people are and what not.  Basically to see if they got it right.

I hate that I may not be able to walk today.  It’s okay I can just do an on demand workout video but it is definitely not the same thing.  I would prefer to be outside and walk.  I still can’t believe how much I slept yesterday during the day.  I took like a four hour nap.  And still went to bed before 9PM.  I must have been tired.  Ugh, the nausea is really kicking in this morning.  Hopefully I can get this under control so I can at least function today.  Not that I have anything to do.  Really, nothing.  I would just prefer to not be dry heaving this morning.

“I fight for my health every day in most ways people don’t understand.  I am not lazy.  I am a warrior.”

I am feeling very emotional today and I am not really sure why.  I feel fragile today but this quote reminded me that I am a warrior and stronger, stronger than most.  I feel the tears could come at any second.  I have feeling vulnerable.  But this should be a great week.  No treatment this whole week.  Time to recover and relax.  Only an end of the week doctor appointment.  I should be feeling good and relieved but I just feel emotional.  It could be the fact that my husband just left for work travel, but I should be used to this by now.  I should be feeling a lot different, than what I am feeling right now.  I will take a walk later and usually that ALWAYS makes me feel strong.  Seeing my muscle build back in my legs is an amazing thing.  Starting over and watching my body recover.