So I had the strangest dream last night.  I woke up remembering that I was digging a trench around our house.  I woke up crying with tears coming down my face, saying, “No more.  No more chemo.”  Anthony calmed me down pretty quick but it was just so weird.  Subconsciously I am over this whole chemo thing.  Good thing I only have three more infusions this course, I guess.

On a much happier note, since today is Halloween someone asked me, I think it was one of the infusion nurses if I was going to dress up, which the obvious answer is hell no.  Anyways if I were to I already have the best costume ever, cancer patient.  Okay well sexy cancer patient.  Anthony thinks this idea is completely inappropriate which makes it perfect.

Finally the last day of infusion chemo this week, still on oral chemos.  After today just three more infusions for course four and I am done.  Bone marrow biopsy after that to determine the rest of treatment.  Still feeling tired and nausea but there is nothing I can really do about that.  The joint aches and pain are starting to come back which means that my bone marrow is starting to regenerate.  Let’s get this over with already.

So the other day while walking back from the gym I saw a woman walking a wiener dog, an obese wiener dog.  His belly slightly hit the ground and his little legs looked like they were struggling under the weight.  Poor little dog wasn’t “walking” very fast anywhere.  He looked more like a little sausage than wiener dog.  Anyways this got me thinking.  I don’t particularly find wiener dogs all that cute but now I totally want one for the comedic value.  Yes, I would get a wiener dog and then name him Richard Head, Dick for short.  So every time someone would ask his name I could say “my wiener is named Dick Head.”  hahaha.  I think that is all that needs to be said about this subject.

I will warn you again, do not read this post, it may be a bit too much information that you don’t want to know.  Right now I am having a hard time between the delicate balancing act of constipation and diarrhea.  Almost everything I am on or taking causes constipation.  I am taking senna and miralax to combat the constipation but it is still a fine line that changes everyday.  I have never in my life thought so much about my bowel movements in my life.  It’s so important though.  I get asked about them every time I go get chemo and every single doctors appointment.  I mean hey you never know what will happen because one day you get cancer and next thing you know you shit yourself.  Ugh it’s the worst.

Fatigue and nausea are back in full effect.  Ugh, I can’t wait for the days when this is over.  As much as I wanted absolutely nothing to do with food yesterday I managed to keep drinking water and eat some dinner and lunch.  Still sore from my LP but it’s not as bad today as yesterday.  Last day of chemo this week.  I am still going to try to go to yoga this morning.  Get at it.  Keep it going.  I feel as though I am not just fighting for me but for my doctor team, my husband and my family.  I am fighting on their behalf.  We are a team, everyone plays an important role including myself.  Get it girl.

Oh yeah, levels were high enough to get this chemo party started.  Whoo too.  Day one done.  Three more to go this week.  LP with IT chemo today and another infusion of cyterabine.  Yes.  Finally the home stretch.  This is the last of it, and should if all goes well be done on November 10th, baring any delays.  I can’t wait.  Then bone marrow biopsy and we will see what happens.  Hopefully just maintenance and no bone marrow transplant.  Fingers, toes, and whole body crossed.  Home stretch.

Hospital everyday this week.  Chemo 4 out of 5 days this week.  Very busy.  Let’s hope my levels are where we need to be to get this chemo party started.  I don’t want any more delays.  Come on neutraphils.  I need to be at 750.  Let’s get this going so I can be done with you already.

Most, okay actually 99.9% of people don’t find cancer funny nor do they think cancer jokes are funny.  I am apart of the 0.01% that finds it hilarious.  I am an asshole though so that explains a lot.  I did have a lot of good jokes that came from having a stroke but since you can’t tell I had one, the comedic value just isn’t there anymore.  Back to just plain old cancer being funny. I mean after all it’s just a little kids cancer.  If you can’t laugh at it, what is the point.

I know this sounds so trivial, but I really just want a pedicure.  I can’t.  Too, risky with infections and what not, but I desperately want one.  I just want my toes to be pretty.  It’ so dumb.  I’ve been painting them myself for this whole time but it’s just not the same.  I want pretty toes.  I have no idea why this is taking up so much of my brain right now.  Like a really sick fixation at the moment.  That’s okay because as soon as I get the go ahead pedicure, here I come.

I know why, the reasons are very obvious, but for some reason just seeing, hearing or texting my friends and family through this process has been very helpful.  It’s good to just know they are there.  Maybe not for all the details but that they talk about anything other than cancer.   Talking about cancer all the time is annoying and exhausting.  It’s so selfish.  I hate that it’s all about me (or cancer).  I don’t want it to be that way at all.  I would rather hear about normal everyday shit people are dealing with.  I want to hear about the co-worker getting on your nerves, the annoying people on street, something that’s bothering you.  I mean we can’t talk about cancer forever.  It’s depressing.  Plus who really wants to hear (warning too much info) about the fact that I am dealing with constipation, again.  NO one, it’s gross.

I am taking one day at a time.  Today get up and do ALL the things within my power to fight and help fucking crush this leukemia inside me.  Getting stronger and be positive. NO negative thoughts creeping in.  Making today the best day I can within my reach.