Bitch session for the day.  I hate steroids week.  It just sucks. I can’t sleep, I feel like a bloated whale and it just fucks up my system so badly.  I am a walking sausage right now.  Fuck you Dex.  You are an asshole.  Here is why-

What are the possible side effects of dexamethasone?

Get emergency medical help if you have any of thesesigns of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Call your doctor at once if you have a serious side effect such as:

• problems with your vision;
• swelling, rapid weight gain, feeling short of breath;
• severe depression, unusual thoughts or behavior, seizure (convulsions);
• bloody or tarry stools, coughing up blood;
• pancreatitis (severe pain in your upper stomach spreading to your back, nausea and vomiting, fast heart rate);
• low potassium (confusion, uneven heart rate, extreme thirst, increased urination, leg discomfort, muscle weakness or limp feeling); or
• dangerously high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision, buzzing in your ears, anxiety, confusion, chest pain, shortness of breath, uneven heartbeats, seizure).

Less serious side effects may include:

• sleep problems (insomnia), mood changes;
• acne, dry skin, thinning skin, bruising or discoloration;
• slow wound healing;
• increased sweating;
• headache, dizziness, spinning sensation;
• nausea, stomach pain, bloating;
• muscle weakness; or
• changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your arms, legs, face, neck, breasts, and waist).

This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088.

It also, doesn’t mention the night sweats and constipation(could also be the chemo).  Go away Dex; you are not my friend.

I came across this quote by Gilda Radner, who passed away from ovarian cancer.

“The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived.”

Just when I start to feel okay or a slight bit normal, Chemo week comes up and takes me right back down.  It’s my 90% of the time feeling 10% healthy.  My new normal is just living with the uncomfortable feeling I have all the time.  Doctors just want to treat symptoms, not the overall well-being of the patient, which is understandably so.  Just frustrates me to no end.  I do love my team of doctors, I just feel like I am not being heard sometimes.  Okay, I am done.  That was my vent for the day.

Moving on…I am so lucky I was able to take my Dad to a Blackhawks playoff game.   He had a great time even though the game we went to, they lost.  Our seats were ridiculous.  Thank you, work.  I am glad I am able to have these opportunities with him to make him happy.  He deserves it.  This is the only picture he would let me take and I had to sneak it.

Blackhawks warming up before game.

I had another post planned and written for today but received some surprising news this afternoon so I decided to scrap it.

What are we all doing?  Really.  Why do we work 9-5 or whatever the hours may be just to live for stuff we don’t need in the first place?  What’s the point?  As more events occur in life, the more I am asking myself, “what am I doing?”.  Why do I sit in ten or more hours of traffic a week?  Because my job pays well and allows me to live a life I otherwise would have never dreamed, possibly?  But why?  Would I really “need” all these things.  It’s just stuff anyways.  Who fucking cares at the end of day.  Each and everyday I am beginning to value relationships and experiences more than anything else.  When it’s all said and done -all you leave behind is other people and memories.  That’s it.  How you affect people and places in this world are all what we leave.  Fuck it what am I really doing?  It makes me want to live off the grid in a hut on an island.  Living off the land (should probably be okay with touching fish and dead things).  So what there are some logistics to work out.  I hate ants too so that may be another obstacle.  Am I supposed to change the world?  I don’t have the energy for that.  Reality is people suck to deal with, so what am I really doing?  For what too?  For who?  All these questions to answer.  Where is my cancer epiphany?

The only words that truly are always in my mind are “if you have loved, cried and laughed in one day, then you have lived a full life that day” or something to that effect by Jimmy V.  It couldn’t be more true.