The docs gave me a little bit more freedom now.  I can be around crowds or large groups of people as long as I have somewhere to go if I see someone looking “sick”.  I can go to the gym on off hours as long as I wipe down the equipment.  These small step are giant leaps for me.  I don’t know why but just having the option to go do these things is relieving.  I don’t have to be stuck in my house if I don’t want to be.  I guess that is more the mindset than anything else.  I still have to use common sense and be smart but I am heading in the right direction.  I can’t be more excited for just this.

CAR T Cell Immunotherapy Drug Approved by FDA

The above article was on NPR.org today.  At the time, before my stem cell transplant, this would have been a last hope of treatment.  It was still an experimental, clinical trial.  This is now going to be approved.  I am so excited to see more technologies being used for something so great.  This is exciting stuff that will help save a lot of lives.

For me if I relapse again it may save my life because my cancer is sadly resistant to chemotherapies.  There is more hope for those still looking for a miracle.

“Hope is a dangerous thing.  It can drive a man insane”-Red from Shawshank Redemption.  “Hope is a good thing maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies” -Andy Dufresne

This past weekend was the first time I left the Chicagoland area for the first time in 10 months. 10 months.  It feels like both a long and short time.  Before the trip I had a ton of anxiety.  It was really hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I would be away from MY team of doctors.  I mean, “what if something happened?”  I was paranoid.   I couldn’t help it.  I knew as soon as we were on the road, I would be fine.  It was just the waiting part that was causing anxiety.  So off we were to Traverse City in Michigan.  As soon as we left the city I was totally fine.  “Vacation mode” kicked in for me.  It actually felt relieving to get out of this concrete jungle.  I enjoyed being in fresh air that wasn’t disgusting city air.  Side note I feel like the city for some reason this summer is extremely dirty.  Just the air is gross, the streets are littered with garbage, it just doesn’t feel clean.  Like a dirt film.

Back to my first trip out.  It was great, although cold.  I was able to sit poolside, sit on a deck on a lake, ride on a pontoon boat, eat some great food, hang out with fantastic people.  I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.  I stayed up way past my bedtime.  It felt just so good.  I was surrounded by this amazing group of people that could not be any more genuine, loving and welcoming.  It was just humbling to me that people like this are still out there.  I really did have the best time.  It was weird though as we were driving back from the city I felt like this weight on my shoulders again.  Like here we go back to “getting healthy and not dying”.  When I was gone I actually felt like I was living.  Living life, doing what so many of us take for granted.  I want that feeling again.

For the first time since I have lived in the city, which is going on 12 years now, I don’t want to be here.  It’s even weird saying it.  All I wanted to do when I was little was live in this city and now I want nothing to do with it.  It’s a strange feeling when you are just no longer connected with the place that is your home.  Maybe it’s just being old and having to deal with so much shit that I am just fucking over it.  This city nickel and dimes everyone and I am just fucking done.  It’s soul crushing.  That might be true of every big city but this is the first time I have ever just been done.  Completely over it.  Maybe because my fucking weird neighbors have people living in a garage that definitely doesn’t have any running water or to building codes of any kind.  I don’t know because I am tired of sitting on my back deck watching them go up and down to the actual apartment all fucking day long for the bathroom, food and water.  It’s fucking gross.  Sorry went on a tangent.  It’s just so insane to me.  Ugh gross.

Regardless, I just feel like this is the first time I could not live here and be okay with that.  I’ve love my city, my home and everything that Chicago has to offer. Not saying I am leaving or moving at all just the possibility of me not here would be ok.  I have no intentions of leaving or plan to anytime soon but just the idea sits well with me.  I don’t know.