I am not going to lie I thought recovery would be quicker than the progress I’ve made thus far.  I still have really hard days.  Every once in a while I will have a day like I feel like I can conquer the world.  It’s hard.  One step forward and two steps back.  I didn’t really know what to expect going into this.  I didn’t have high expectations.  Physically speaking I haven’t “bounced back” as fast as I as I anticipated.  Mentally/emotionally it’s exhausting.  I try to take it one day at a time.  I try to have patience, which is extremely difficult for me.  I will stay the course.  A path to recovery.

That’s right.  I found a dead Robin in our basement on the laundry room table and had a panic attack.  I don’t really know why.  Still trying to figure it out.  I couldn’t even get rid of it myself.  Anthony was traveling for work.  My dad was in the middle of a cake delivery.  It was just me and a dead bird.  I called Anthony’s mom.  She calmed me down and came over, she was already in the city and took care of the bird.  I was taken down by a dead bird.  I sat outside waiting for her.  I couldn’t stay in the house.  All I kept thinking was “why did he have to come into our house to die?”.  It freaked me out.  I couldn’t handle it.  I’ve had panic attacks before but not over something like this.  It was weird for me.  Thank goodness for Mama Sue.  Without her I don’t think I would have been able to handle myself.

I was fine all week with no anxiety then a dumb dead Robin took me down.  This is will be a very interesting upcoming therapy session.  haha.  At least now looking back I can laugh a little about it.

I didn’t ask for cancer.  I didn’t ask to have a stroke.  I didn’t ask to have a seizure.  I didn’t ask to relapse and go through an experimental non-FDA approved treatment.  I didn’t ask for a stem cell transplant.  But yet all of these things have happened.  I now am a pre-existing condition.  Penalized once again for something I did absolutely nothing to evoke.  The government might have the authority to say that insurance companies can deny me coverage or have to pay an exorbitant amount for coverage. It is ridiculous.  It’s the same as a child getting diabetes or having a heart defect at birth.  They didn’t ask for those conditions.  Yet, they are going to be possibly punished for the rest of their lives.  It makes no sense.  It’s hard enough already without draining savings accounts or going completely broke.  I read hundreds of cancer patients talk about this.  Yes, our health care system is broken.  Not covering people doesn’t help the whole system in the long run.  It only hurts more, especially those individuals that are in lower income categories.  If you get sick are they implying to just go away and die?  Is your life no longer as valuable as the perfectly “healthy”?  What are we teaching our future generations?  Health is a privilege and not a right?  That is you were born unlucky your life means nothing?  It’s absurd to think in those terms but so is denying someone healthcare because of something they didn’t ask for.  Is our system so blind to the fact that diseases, especially cancer doesn’t care who you are, how much money/power you have or what race you are.  That they too can have sick children or get sick themselves?  Are they that ignorant?  Naive?  Rose colored glasses?  Thinking they are invincible?  Greedy?  Heartless?

Is is selfish on my part?  Now that I need insurance?