Monthly Archives: January 2018

Non Negotiable

So my therapist said to work on my new non negotiable’s with life going forward.  This is part of working through all this anger.  Okay, well what won’t I deal with going forward.  Not just with people, but with work and other aspects of life as well.  This is hard. Sometimes you just get used to how this are.  Stale, comfortable, complacent.  So what won’t I put up with anymore?  That’s a great question.  I refuse to be someone’s verbal toilet.  I want to travel more.  I desperately want a real vacation this year.  I haven’t had a proper vacation in over four years and it’s depressing.  Not just a long weekend somewhere, but like an a whole week away somewhere.  Honestly, doesn’t even really matter where as long as it’s warm.  I want more friends.  Like friends that are in Chicago friends outside of my husband.  I have friends but honestly most of them don’t live near me so I can’t go hang out with them.

What would be your non negotiable’s in your life?  Think about it.  It’s really hard to come up with ideas or things that you just will no longer tolerate in your life.  So what would be the consequences then for these non negotiable items?  I don’t know what they would be if any.  Just a guide for what you or me would be willing to put up with.  I no longer want to just tolerate living life.  I want to thrive again.  I will get there, it’s just going to take even more time than I anticipated.

Just more work on myself mentally.  Work that will pay off in the long term.  I know it will.  I will be a better person for it and have a better life for it.

Next Stage-Anger

I think I have moved on to the anger portion of the program.  Yes the stages of grief is what I am referring to.  I think I am there now.  What the fuck and why?  It’s not enough for me anymore to just be alive.  Ohh fucking great consolation present.  I mean don’t get me wrong I am glad I am alive.  But at what fucking cost.  My life is a mess.  My body is a mess.  My mind is a mess.  It’s taken a toll mentally, physically and all parts in between.  When is it my time to shine from all this?  I don’t know what that even means but now I feel like the world owes me something back.  Like fuck you world, give back some good now; you asshole.  I want some sort of direction from all this.  What now?  How the fuck do you expect me to put the pieces back together?

There’s more anger inside of me, trying to figure this all out.  Fuck being grateful for my life.  I want more.  I need answers and there aren’t any answers.  I need something much more than what this dumb life has given me for the last four years.  I’ve been put through the “test”, now give me what I am owed.  Yes, I feel like I am owed something out of all this.  Fuck off if you don’t think that I am owed anything but I am.  I deserve it.

Ugh, this stage is exhausting.  When will the next one come?  When can I continue to move forward?