This may be to much information, so here is my warning.  If you don’t want to read this post-stop here.

I am all backed up.  I know that the last chemo, vincristie, causes constipation.  But man I am in trouble.  I feel awful because I can’t get it out. Pooping is so important.  The miralax and senna are doing nothing for me today.  I just need to go.  🙁  Rough start to the day.

As I am coming to the end of course two of treatment, the next couple of weeks are all planned out with the next steps in treatment.  It makes me feel much better knowing that there is a plan in place.  Lessens the anxiety, for sure.

I can’t wait until Aimee, my psychologist is back from maternity leave.  It is about that time for a mental check up.  I think this disease is all about mind, body and soul.  It’s all connected.  I know all is effected by one another.  It’s always good to know where I stand mentally and making sure I control the anxiety.

“I love to see a girl grab life by the lapels.  Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”-Maya Angelou.

I am taking this cancer and kicking it’s ass.  No one is going to do it for me.  No one is going to make me do the “right” things to make progress in getting stronger and healthier.  I have to go out and kick ass.  I love that quote.  I love many of Maya Angelo’s quotes but for some reason this one right now is just more fitting than the rest.

Even on days when I don’t want to walk, I walk.  I don’t want to shower even, I shower.  Or go out and get chemo, I get chemo.  No one is making me do these things.  I know these will all make me better in the end.  It’s the end game that I am after.  I want my life back and I am going to go after it and take it back.  Fuck you cancer, fuck you.

Just Tuesday and Thursday hospital days this week so far.  Unless they need me to come in for platelets, it should be a pretty “easy” week.  This nice little break on my body should be good.  Just have to keep the nausea and joint pain in check.

Still feeling run down pretty quickly these days but definitely working on strength and stamina.  Up to 3 miles a day and it doesn’t hurt, which is a win in my book.

My hemoglobins were 7.2 so it is time for some blood.  Going in and getting two pints this morning before our Dr.  D appointment and infusion in the afternoon.  Only about a 7 to 8 hour day if all goes smoothly.  Long day but I will be feeling good this weekend.  Plus three days off for the holiday and won’t have to go back until Tuesday, so it should be good for my body.  My platelets were low but not low enough to get more, but probably next week.  With such a long day, I will be missing my daily walk but that is okay.  I can make this my rest day.

I don’t feel as tired as I probably should with my hemogloblins so low.  Mind you most people rock the 12-15 range.  So I feel that I am doing good at least physically.  I feel more tired from lack of sleep than anything else.  On to the day!

Happy three day weekend everyone else!  Enjoy.

Slept like shit last night.  Rather didn’t sleep last night.  That sucked.  Hopefully it doesn’t effect this day too much.  Tired.  Just going to go for a walk today and see how I feel.  A nap is definitely in my future.

ugh.

With all that it going on it is hard to think about the future and yet at the same time be consumed by thoughts of it.  Basic-what am I going to do when I am “healthy” to the Wild-What do I want out of life now.  All these things that seem to be on a virtual hold.  How do I think about the future when I have to work on the present.  Getting healthy, being healthy.  It’s almost overwhelming at times.  How can I move forward, when I am so stuck in the present?  I need to be in the present but how could I not think about all the places I want to visit or am going to visit or what life means after cancer?  Does this really change me?  What do I even believe in anymore?  Big and little questions are circling me like sharks all the time.  Sometimes it’s just to much but at other times it’s welcoming to think about more than just this disease.

The sad or maybe not so sad part is that I NEED to be in the present and get myself better so I can think about all the future things.  I know this but it’s like dreaming.  It all starts with the statement “one day I will…”.  I know it’s just temporary and all this could change literally in a few months but it’s something that is on my mind.

Stepping up my walking game and try to make the 3 mile mark today.  It is a gorgeous 70 degree day out, so it will be a good day to go for it.  I purchased a pedometer so I can track my milage, after thinking that there is probably an iPhone app for that.  Whoops, spent more money than I should have but that’s okay.  I really want to know how far I am going so I can track my strength and go longer.  Build those muscles and endurance.  I have to get back to “normal” or at least work my way bad.  Balance is still absolutely horrible but am taking yoga to hopefully help with that.  My stamina is just okay.  It’s hard to make it through the whole day without being exhausted at the end of the day, falling asleep on the couch.  Literally head bobbing and all.

Baby steps to my “rehabilitation” to get back so I can get my life back.  Slowly but surely I will get there.  I am determined to make this happen.  If only the chemo doesn’t slow me down.

I have the best husband in the world.  He read my blog yesterday and came home with a brownie for me, not to mention a ton of other sweet treats.  He is the best anyone could ever ask for.  I am so lucky.

Really, I was thinking how lucky I am to have two of the best men in my life.  My dad and T-Bear.  Without them I am not sure how I would be getting through this process of doctor’s appointments, infusions and other medical issues.  Also, just my overall craziness that is dealing with me which probably hasn’t been the easiest in the world.  I am truly lucky for these two men.  I am not sure what I would do without them.  I probably don’t thank them enough either or show how much it means to me that they have both sacrificed so much to make sure my overall wellbeing is getting better.  There is that guilt again.  There’s a lot of that with cancer.

Well if they read this I do love them so much and owe them so much, words could never express how appreciative I really am.  🙂

Went to get my foot reflexology on yesterday.  I was nervous with a stranger touching me but it was good.  They rubbed my feet/top half of my legs for 45 minutes and it felt amazing afterword.  This may be something to look into doing consistently because of the Vincristie chemo makes my feet ache.  We will see since it’s a bit pricey at $25 for each session and that was with a coupon.  I will wait a little longer and see how these effect my feet today after a walk.

PSI bands you are out.  After being too bulky, leaving my skin with huge marks on them and itchy they are much more suited for short term use than long term wear.   Back to wearing tape and magnets.  I am okay with that.  The PSI bands can come out for more formal occasions.  Good to know there are other things out there and totally work a try.

Craving a chocolate brownie.  I want so bad. Very random.