There’s so much grief that I have to process for this whole experience.  Letting go of what I didn’t have and can’t have going forward is something hard to work on.  Hopefully through all this muck and letting it go a bit some clarity will come through.  I mean isn’t that what we are all looking for?  Maybe not, but I definitely want to come out of this whole experience better than going in.  At least in a better head space.  I need to open up more about me and let people into my world.  I didn’t know how closed off I was to outsiders.  I didn’t realize that I could go an entire two and half hour dinner without revealing one fact about myself.  I guess when you don’t know your own defenses it’s hard to see the other side.  I don’t want to be that person anymore.  It’s a long hard way to live.  It’s a lonely way to live.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want more from my life going forward.  I want to thrive.  I am done with “but your alive”, like a fucking consolation prize at a state fair.  Fuck that, it’s terrible.  I hate when people say that, it’s fucking annoying.  Doctors say it and I want to really just punch them in the stomach.  I mean I get their perspective, like hey you made it, but it still just sounds so shitty.