There’s so much grief that I have to process for this whole experience. Letting go of what I didn’t have and can’t have going forward is something hard to work on. Hopefully through all this muck and letting it go a bit some clarity will come through. I mean isn’t that what we are all looking for? Maybe not, but I definitely want to come out of this whole experience better than going in. At least in a better head space. I need to open up more about me and let people into my world. I didn’t know how closed off I was to outsiders. I didn’t realize that I could go an entire two and half hour dinner without revealing one fact about myself. I guess when you don’t know your own defenses it’s hard to see the other side. I don’t want to be that person anymore. It’s a long hard way to live. It’s a lonely way to live. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want more from my life going forward. I want to thrive. I am done with “but your alive”, like a fucking consolation prize at a state fair. Fuck that, it’s terrible. I hate when people say that, it’s fucking annoying. Doctors say it and I want to really just punch them in the stomach. I mean I get their perspective, like hey you made it, but it still just sounds so shitty.