Slept like shit last night. Rather didn’t sleep last night. That sucked. Hopefully it doesn’t effect this day too much. Tired. Just going to go for a walk today and see how I feel. A nap is definitely in my future.
ugh.
With all that it going on it is hard to think about the future and yet at the same time be consumed by thoughts of it. Basic-what am I going to do when I am “healthy” to the Wild-What do I want out of life now. All these things that seem to be on a virtual hold. How do I think about the future when I have to work on the present. Getting healthy, being healthy. It’s almost overwhelming at times. How can I move forward, when I am so stuck in the present? I need to be in the present but how could I not think about all the places I want to visit or am going to visit or what life means after cancer? Does this really change me? What do I even believe in anymore? Big and little questions are circling me like sharks all the time. Sometimes it’s just to much but at other times it’s welcoming to think about more than just this disease.
The sad or maybe not so sad part is that I NEED to be in the present and get myself better so I can think about all the future things. I know this but it’s like dreaming. It all starts with the statement “one day I will…”. I know it’s just temporary and all this could change literally in a few months but it’s something that is on my mind.
Stepping up my walking game and try to make the 3 mile mark today. It is a gorgeous 70 degree day out, so it will be a good day to go for it. I purchased a pedometer so I can track my milage, after thinking that there is probably an iPhone app for that. Whoops, spent more money than I should have but that’s okay. I really want to know how far I am going so I can track my strength and go longer. Build those muscles and endurance. I have to get back to “normal” or at least work my way bad. Balance is still absolutely horrible but am taking yoga to hopefully help with that. My stamina is just okay. It’s hard to make it through the whole day without being exhausted at the end of the day, falling asleep on the couch. Literally head bobbing and all.
Baby steps to my “rehabilitation” to get back so I can get my life back. Slowly but surely I will get there. I am determined to make this happen. If only the chemo doesn’t slow me down.
I have the best husband in the world. He read my blog yesterday and came home with a brownie for me, not to mention a ton of other sweet treats. He is the best anyone could ever ask for. I am so lucky.
Really, I was thinking how lucky I am to have two of the best men in my life. My dad and T-Bear. Without them I am not sure how I would be getting through this process of doctor’s appointments, infusions and other medical issues. Also, just my overall craziness that is dealing with me which probably hasn’t been the easiest in the world. I am truly lucky for these two men. I am not sure what I would do without them. I probably don’t thank them enough either or show how much it means to me that they have both sacrificed so much to make sure my overall wellbeing is getting better. There is that guilt again. There’s a lot of that with cancer.
Well if they read this I do love them so much and owe them so much, words could never express how appreciative I really am. 🙂
Went to get my foot reflexology on yesterday. I was nervous with a stranger touching me but it was good. They rubbed my feet/top half of my legs for 45 minutes and it felt amazing afterword. This may be something to look into doing consistently because of the Vincristie chemo makes my feet ache. We will see since it’s a bit pricey at $25 for each session and that was with a coupon. I will wait a little longer and see how these effect my feet today after a walk.
PSI bands you are out. After being too bulky, leaving my skin with huge marks on them and itchy they are much more suited for short term use than long term wear. Back to wearing tape and magnets. I am okay with that. The PSI bands can come out for more formal occasions. Good to know there are other things out there and totally work a try.
Craving a chocolate brownie. I want so bad. Very random.
Cold and rainy out. Good to be at the hospital for appointments and infusion.
PSI bands that I purchased instead of wearing magnets with tape all day. Jury is still out on how I feel about these. Very bulky comparatively speaking to tape and also very itchy. We will see, it has only been one day but may be going back to tape and magnets. Just as long as these things help with nausea I may be okay with the bulk. We will see how long these last. Or may just wear going out and not an everyday wear.
I actually slept through the night last night even with having steroids on Tuesday with infusion. Typically that doesn’t happen and I stay up half the night just hoping to fall back asleep. Ohh wonderful, sleep. I think that is the first time sleeping through the night in over a month.
More chemo today, hopefully I will sleep through the night again. That would be amazing. Oh the little things, these days.
Whenever I think of destroying cancer, I think of little B cells working for the evil empire with light sabers (yes, think Star Wars) against my white blood cells with light sabers fighting for the rights of my body. I am not sure why this cells in my body going at it with light sabers, so far those fucking B cells are getting fucked up.
Feeling good today. Nausea isn’t that prominent today. My port lines are up and running. Had to get some Cath flow (not sure if that is how it it spelled) to get two of them going. That’s about it for the day.
So it looks like next week will be go time again. My levels are finally back up to what they need them to be to continue treatment. Finally. I feel like it takes forever and I understand that it’s for good reason but it just sucks. Ugh.
Side note, I love my company that I work for. I have a company car from them but not because I will be transitioning to “long term disability” they have to take my car back. Which isn’t that big of deal since I think I have literally driven it twice since I have had it. But it just sucks to once again have to relay on other people for appointments and other things. I just hate having to depend on other people for things. Even the little things. Tough to let go and ask for help, even still.
One more week of waiting for my neutraphil’s recover. I am at .4 and need to be at least over .75. Getting on with treatment is horrible. The anticipation is worse than treatment and starting to give me anxiety. Along with this nausea it it almost unbearable. Ugh. Just get on with it.