Acceptance of Life

I had an interesting conversation with a friend over the weekend.  There may have been some wine involved.  It happens.  It had been a month since chemo and we were celebrating the good news of remission.  Anyways, back to my story.  I was saying how there was a huge part of this year thinking I was truly going to die.  I was 110% okay with it.  Shocking to hear, possibly?  When I started to explain why, this is where my friend really couldn’t understand and possibly whoever is reading this may not either.  I do not equate acceptance of the life I have lived as the same as giving up fighting to live.   I may not have had the best childhood, but ever since it became my life choices, life has been amazing.  Even with all the shitty things that have happened, with all the ups and downs.  I may not have always been the best person or made the best decisions, but they are mine.  So with that being said, I have lived a good life.  I am happy, for the first time in a LONG time I am so happy.  I love my husband, who has been amazing.   My family has been amazing.  My friends have been amazing.  My work has been amazing.  I know I need to use a thesaurus, not everything is amazing.  So as I explained this, of course there are things I still want to do with my life.   That will never change.  The change comes from accepting what has already happened.  There is a peace that comes with accepting choices that are in the past, as the past.   It doesn’t mean I will not fight until the bitter end.   I am stubborn, everyone knows that.  I won’t just give up, ever.  I am too much of an asshole to just let things go.  Now it’s just different.  I feel different.   The most fucked up part or the best part I guess is that I had to get cancer to truly accept my life, who I am and how I have lived.  I want to live, but am okay with the possibility of death.  Majority of people can’t understand those words or understand how I can come to these conclusions but perspective is everything.

This year will forever change a part of me going forward.  I am more patient (well most of the time), but my husband may say different.  I am more understanding.  I am calmer, not as rushed as previous.  I take days a time, the best I can.  I am slower physically but hopefully with time that will change again.  My priorities have definitely shifted.  I value my family and friends more than the world.  Without these people this year wouldn’t have been possible.

PS my pic line is out.  I am one step closer.  I am radioactive again, had more chemo starting yesterday.  Saw the doc. And have our final maintenance plan under control:  once a month infusion chemo, blood every week, every two weeks doc. Apptointments, once every three months LP with IT chemo, oral steroids on weeks I get infusion chemo, two chemo pills.  Sounds easy but it’s only two years, I got this shit.