I am so nervous for this test but I need to know the answer.  I don’t care if it is good or bad.  The waiting for 3 weeks is enough.  My emotions are all over the place.  I try not to think about it but in the end I just want it to be over.  Tears were falling from my face the other day as all I could think about was how I just want to be done with this already.  Enough is enough, when is it over?  But the reality is even if I go directly into course five, it is still two more years.  Two more years.  It’s exhausting thinking about it, talking about it and living in it everyday.  I hate that this disease has made me more selfish than I already am.  It’s a horribly selfish disease.  Fuck it’s all consuming.  I hate it.  I told my husband the other day that he should write a book about cancer.  He looked at me kinda of like “why?”.  I said his perspective is unique.  Title the book “we have cancer”.  It’s not just me, or A, it’s my whole family.  And his, too.  It takes a village and the village that helps me has been overwhelmingly amazing.