These days the list is getting pretty short. I know, my job is here and my family, friends. But other than that there is a lot being left to desire in Chicago these days. Winters are getting worse. Commuting to work is just plain awful.
I mean work, friends and family are very important. Don’t get me wrong, they are pretty essential to life in general. Everything else can go by the wayside, though.
This place is driving me to my brink. It may be seasonal depression, but this is for the birds.
I don’t know why, but I really want to be anti-social. Go and hide for the next two years and re-emerge. Not sure if it’s just a temporary feeling or if it will last. It may be the cold that’s got me so down. Hibernation just seems to be a better option. I am just not into it.
Maybe it’s finding passion in something again. I have asked myself this question too many times to count since cancer. I still can’t answer. Yes, there are things I like doing. What am I passionate about? I don’t know. I don’t know why I am putting pressure on myself to have “cancer” epiphanies.
One Year Ago.
Yes, it is my cancerversery. What a crazy year it’s been and how far we have all come. Looking back on what transgressed over the past 12 months has been at most times scary, boring and mostly overall left me with a nauseous feeling. I was trying to be punny, sorry.
This past year has been challenging and humbling both physically and mentally. Realizing, as I am trying to learn to walk again while in rehab that it could always be way worse. I have pooped, peed, threw up and bleed on myself. No I am not proud of those moments, but they happened. At least, cancer was the reason for ALL of the disgusting things. I hope I never have a stroke again, (technically I had what the doctor’s call a venous thrombosis) that was probably worse that just having cancer. Being immobile is absolutely devastating. I still have some slight differences in my left and right side but I am probably the only one who can even tell the difference. I couldn’t imagine being 70+ years old trying to recover from a stroke.
I have learned to be calm or let things go. I guess that is always a debatable pending who you ask. I just let a lot of things go these days. There will be another day and another one after. Except when I sit in an hour and a half of traffic on my way home from work and am literally down the street from my house and some inconsiderate prick decides to drive down the middle of a two lane street at five mph. Then I lose my mind and not just a little bit. Yes, I may have just laid on my horn and flashed my lights. Just thinking about makes my blood boil, a bit. I say to myself: “you can’t fix stupid”. People never cease to amazing me for all the wrong reasons.
Anyways, not ALL of this year has been bad. I have through my journey met some really great people. The teams of doctors who have been taking care of me are awesome. I am still struggling to understand how they work as much as they do and remember all their patients. It’s unreal. I met my Immerman Angel, Jo, who has really helped through this process to know there is light at the end of the long dark tunnel.
The president of the company I work for said to my husband when this all happened, “this is when you find out who your true friends really are.” Wise words. That statement has rang true throughout all of this process. I know people try to sometimes keep their distance in order to not “bother” us, but the ones that have completely checked out don’t matter and won’t matter. To the people who stuck it out, not counting family, because well they were all just amazing. Friends that came to visit and checkup and send messages of love our way, reminds us how much we are loved and matter. It’s not always what we do that defines us but by the company we keep around us. People want to be respectful, I get that we had a lot of tragedy last year. Both A’s uncle and father passed and I found out I had cancer. Last year was a defining year for us. Lots of tears were shed. On a positive note, I found out my husband loves me way too much. In ways there is no coming back from. We are in too deep.
A Beautiful Post, Couldn’t Have Said It Any Better
I share my experiences for a lot of the same reasons. I don’t want attention or to make people feel bad, but there is an unrecognized group of people that are going through difficult situations. Cancer just became #2 leading causes of death, right behind heart diseases. Cures will one day be apart of our lives, it just needs to happen sooner rather than later.
Interesting that I experienced 2 of the leading causes of death; stroke and cancer. Diabetes runs in my family and pneumonia is a common side effect of cancer. Hmmm….doesn’t look like the odds are in my favor.
On a completely different note-Jumpsuits for women, both shorts and pant combos. I really like the idea of them but how do you pee or go to the bathroom? Do you disrobe each time? I am not going to lie, sometimes I don’t have enough time. An accident could occur. Just saying, very cute in theory but not the best functionality for me. :/
So, now that I am in the “clear” with most of what is going on, I want to do all these things. Problem is I can’t get the time off work now. It’s like a catch-22. I can’t win in this situation, any way I go. I know I am going to have to suck it up and just deal with it for at least this year but there is just so much to get back to after being on lock down last year. The list is growing.
Ugh, I just want more time off I guess, but instead it’s all going toward Doc. Apt. and chemo sessions. YAY, me. I guess it’s better than the cancer coming back. 🙁
Happy Birthday to a husband who is more amazing than I ever thought possible. Love you.
I have had one good night’s sleep in two weeks. I am so tired. Enough with the leg/calf cramps. I am so over this. I called my doc and no return call yet. I can’t go to sleep and when I finally do, I wake up in pain. This is not sustainable. I will not keep doing this.
Two years of maintenance like this is not a good way to live. There have got to be solutions. I have tried everything. Hydration, heat, stretching, compression socks, message. All with no avail. I need help here. Suggestions, welcome.
I feel like all I do is complain. Ugh, I am becoming annoying, even to myself. I’m tired, nausea, etc…over and over. It’s exhausting just thinking about it, let alone someone having to read about it. Over and over again. I can’t poop and then I can’t stop pooping. I swear if it’s not one issue, it’s another. I can’t sleep, leg cramps, exhaustion. I am so over it.
“Endurance and persistence will be rewarded.” -Fortune Cookie.
I will take just one normal week please. Just a normal, run of the mill week.
How many do you get? Is it unlimited, dependent on the situation? Or only when it’s to your advantage. I rarely if ever use it. Making people feel bad isn’t the way to go. I feel as though it’s inappropriate. I don’t know.
I am so tired. I am just so over all of this cancer stuff. Maintenence isn’t making me feeling normal. I feel like shit 90% of the time. It sucks, big time. 🙁
Painful, hurtful or distressing situations make a person stronger. It’s like a shield people put up against others to insulate themselves. I think I do it more than I ever have before. It’s like I don’t know how to talk to people or interact with them anymore. I know it’s me but all I can think in my head is, “please don’t ask me anything about cancer or just say something about cancer and get it out of the way”. It’s fucking depressing. I am not sure why I care, because I guess I really don’t. I know I am the awkward one, usually I am.
Speaking of awkward. My hair is finally starting to grow back and it’s not looking too hot. I don’t know what to do. A part of me just wants to shave it because quiet frankly it’s so easy. The other part knows I have to go through this to get to the other side and should just suck it up. Ugh, what to do, what to do.