I think I have moved on to the anger portion of the program.  Yes the stages of grief is what I am referring to.  I think I am there now.  What the fuck and why?  It’s not enough for me anymore to just be alive.  Ohh fucking great consolation present.  I mean don’t get me wrong I am glad I am alive.  But at what fucking cost.  My life is a mess.  My body is a mess.  My mind is a mess.  It’s taken a toll mentally, physically and all parts in between.  When is it my time to shine from all this?  I don’t know what that even means but now I feel like the world owes me something back.  Like fuck you world, give back some good now; you asshole.  I want some sort of direction from all this.  What now?  How the fuck do you expect me to put the pieces back together?

There’s more anger inside of me, trying to figure this all out.  Fuck being grateful for my life.  I want more.  I need answers and there aren’t any answers.  I need something much more than what this dumb life has given me for the last four years.  I’ve been put through the “test”, now give me what I am owed.  Yes, I feel like I am owed something out of all this.  Fuck off if you don’t think that I am owed anything but I am.  I deserve it.

Ugh, this stage is exhausting.  When will the next one come?  When can I continue to move forward?