I haven’t written in a long time. I have been going through this rejection of cancer of sorts. I don’t know but I think I am finally going through the stages of realizing I have cancer.
- Denial/isolation
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
It’s funny going through treatment, it was just pure survival. I never really addressed the emotional side of cancer. I have been and still am currently in the denial portion of this program. I am not denying the fact that I have cancer; I just don’t want to talk about it, be a part of it or associate with it at this time. I haven’t quite figured out why yet. I know at some point I will work through it. I know I want to help people at some point. I am just not there yet. I think I am on the verge of anger, though. I get mad at people for what they post in social media or even say in real life regarding cancer. I know most are meaning the best but it is fucking irritating. For example this is why I believe I am creeping now into the anger stage of the process-
St. Baldrick’s just happened. For those of you who don’t know it is when people donate money in exchange fundraisers shave their heads for cancer awareness. Great cause really. But reality at the same time it’s fucking stupid. No I am not against raising money for cancer, but the whole idea of shaving your head is dumb. Then people are saying they are brave for shaving their heads. Like fucking really? BRAVE??!!? FUCK off, that is so dumb. How is that brave? It’s just fucking hair that grows back. That is not bravery.
Okay, now I will come down from my soap box. That has been eating me up inside for a while now. I just didn’t want to even talk about it. I really think I am morning the loss of my former self and trying to deal with new world I am given. I wasn’t even a great person before but just knowing that I am not that person anymore. I am actually a lot nicer, shocking to understand. I patient and understand of others. There is a tolerance that wasn’t there previously. These last statements are very contradictory of what I typically post but it’s true. I mostly just vent here….