Is it really living, what I am doing? Waiting for the next round of chemo, doc. appointments, another biopsy? Life has been on hold this whole year because of my new found fucking “friend”. Like a bad penny I can’t get rid of. It messes with you, gets in your head. You start thinking thats all people see you as, regardless if it’s true or not, as a cancer patient. Are they staring at me because they know? Is the bald head a dead give-a-way? Who am I going forward? Am I always going to be referred to as the chick with cancer? Living. I haven’t been living, but better yet surviving. It should be called waiting with cancer.
I can’t get enough of Birdy. Her voice is just mesmerizing. I love it. Here is one of her own songs.
So, I decided to go to my first young adult support group next week for people with cancer. I am nervous. Mostly because I do not know what to expect. I really don’t want it to be super depressing. I hope that it helps, although I am not sure what I am looking for. I don’t even know if I need anything out of it either or it’s just something to do or I feel like I should go because that is what other people are doing. I mean do they just sit around talk about how depressing cancer is because that is not what I am looking for. I need it to be a positive experience more than anything I guess.
I basically have two weeks before starting course four of chemo. Now that I went to the gym and got that anxiety out of the way, I can start my routine. Right now I am scheduled to start round four on September 22. I think I will be spending some time getting stronger and gearing up for the last round. Yoga, possibly some strength classes and definitely some walking. Basically anything to help stay “normal” if that is possible. I can’t wait for this part of my journey to be over. I want to get back to work and have some sort of life outside of going to the hospital all the time. I already have some plans to attend the Imerman Angels Gala on Sept. 20. It will be the first time in a LONG time to be out for dinner and be around a lot of people. We will see how it goes. I am not as comfortable with these type of things anymore.
Today I went to the gym by myself to take a yoga class since before I had cancer. I am not sure but I had some major anxiety about going. I am no longer comfortable in my own skin. I mean I used to go to the gym six days a week and not even think twice about it. Maybe because I am bald or because I have a pic line in my arm. I feel very judged. But today I went. I yoga’d. It felt good to throw myself back in the game. Scary, but I am so glad I did it.
I have been obsessed with this song lately. Actually I have been really into all of Greg Laswell’s work. I am not sure why but his voice and lyrics are touching my heart in all the right places. Here is just one of his many songs. I did figure out how to add media so below are the songs.
“Comes And Goes (In Waves)” by Greg Laswell.
Only to be let down time after time
This one’s for the torn down, the experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now you’re not alone at all
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves
This one’s for the faithless, the ones that are surprised
They’re only where they are now regardless of their fight
This one’s for believing if only for it’s sake
Come on friends get up now love is to be made
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes in goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why I try
This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why, why I fly
Also, another song to check out is “And then You”. Another gem by Greg.
How my dreams they spin me ’round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me ’round
And how my thoughts they let me down
How my dreams they spin me ’round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me ’round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And then there’s you
Then there’s you
And then there’s you
Then there’s you
How my love it spins me ’round
And how my love it’s let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me ’round
And how my thoughts they let me down
And then there’s you
Then there’s you
And then there’s you
Then there’s you
You know I know who that you love
I’ve written it on myself, if you can’t tell
With a melody that climbs and then falls, then falls, then falls
Without you, without you
How my days they spin me ’round
And how today it sets me down
And how my days they spin me ’round
And how today it sets me down
Yup, officially finished course three yesterday. Doctor appointment on Thursday and a bone marrow biopsy next week and we will be moving on to course four. 51 more days of really hard chemo. I can do this and get through it. I know I can. I mentally have to prepare myself since course four will be a lot harder than course three. More drugs and the re-introduction of LP punches with IT chemo, which I am not looking forward to by any means. Makes me nervous. I can’t go through another stroke or more neuro leakage. No fun.
By the way should I be worried that what they have been putting in my body is highlighter yellow( or neon yellow)? Probably not the safest thing I am sure of it. I took a picture of it just in case.
Hopefully today is the official last day of course three. I can’t wait. I need this to keep moving forward. I need to see some progress. I need to be apart of the process. It’s like being on the bench during a big game or something. I just have to be apart of it. Please body cooperate today and let me get treatment. Sounds crazy but it needs to happen. No more delays.
Now after a week break from therapy, it’s back to work. I have four extra hours to fill in my day now. I want to get back into yoga. It actually helps me focus on something other than being in pain or nausea. Hopefully this round three ends tomorrow with my last treatment. I just want to get it over with. I know that sounds strange but I am so close to the finish line. I am mentally and physically worn down. I am not really sure how much longer I can really keep this up. It’s exhausting. I can’t wait until this year is over. I want a big huge glass of pinot noir and a great dinner with friends. I miss that aspect of my life so much. For now just focus on getting stronger physically and staying strong mentally. Hopefully the last course treatment countdown can begin soon.
Today we went to go into my office for the first time since February. It was great seeing everyone. It makes me miss the office even more. I can’t wait to go back to work. I know what I just said, but it’s true. I can’t wait to get back into the mix of things.
So my last day of treatment for course three was delayed until next week because my levels were too low. Kind of frustrating but there is nothing I can do about it. It totally sucks. Oh, well what can I really do, nothing. There is literally nothing I can do to make my own levels go up. Damn you body. Oh well, I have to go for a walk now before it rains for the day. See you on the flip side.
