This past weekend was the first time I left the Chicagoland area for the first time in 10 months. 10 months. It feels like both a long and short time. Before the trip I had a ton of anxiety. It was really hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I would be away from MY team of doctors. I mean, “what if something happened?” I was paranoid. I couldn’t help it. I knew as soon as we were on the road, I would be fine. It was just the waiting part that was causing anxiety. So off we were to Traverse City in Michigan. As soon as we left the city I was totally fine. “Vacation mode” kicked in for me. It actually felt relieving to get out of this concrete jungle. I enjoyed being in fresh air that wasn’t disgusting city air. Side note I feel like the city for some reason this summer is extremely dirty. Just the air is gross, the streets are littered with garbage, it just doesn’t feel clean. Like a dirt film.
Back to my first trip out. It was great, although cold. I was able to sit poolside, sit on a deck on a lake, ride on a pontoon boat, eat some great food, hang out with fantastic people. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I stayed up way past my bedtime. It felt just so good. I was surrounded by this amazing group of people that could not be any more genuine, loving and welcoming. It was just humbling to me that people like this are still out there. I really did have the best time. It was weird though as we were driving back from the city I felt like this weight on my shoulders again. Like here we go back to “getting healthy and not dying”. When I was gone I actually felt like I was living. Living life, doing what so many of us take for granted. I want that feeling again.
For the first time since I have lived in the city, which is going on 12 years now, I don’t want to be here. It’s even weird saying it. All I wanted to do when I was little was live in this city and now I want nothing to do with it. It’s a strange feeling when you are just no longer connected with the place that is your home. Maybe it’s just being old and having to deal with so much shit that I am just fucking over it. This city nickel and dimes everyone and I am just fucking done. It’s soul crushing. That might be true of every big city but this is the first time I have ever just been done. Completely over it. Maybe because my fucking weird neighbors have people living in a garage that definitely doesn’t have any running water or to building codes of any kind. I don’t know because I am tired of sitting on my back deck watching them go up and down to the actual apartment all fucking day long for the bathroom, food and water. It’s fucking gross. Sorry went on a tangent. It’s just so insane to me. Ugh gross.
Regardless, I just feel like this is the first time I could not live here and be okay with that. I’ve love my city, my home and everything that Chicago has to offer. Not saying I am leaving or moving at all just the possibility of me not here would be ok. I have no intentions of leaving or plan to anytime soon but just the idea sits well with me. I don’t know.
First, that is wonderful that you went on a mini vacation and had such a great time! There’s nothing like taking a much deserved break to recharge and refresh yourself, which you absolutely needed and deserved!! It sounds like you had a wonderful time and I’m so happy for you (and I little jealous! 😉 )
Second, it makes perfect sense why you don’t want to live in the city. You were and still are battling cancer and so you are craving space that is clean and as relaxing as possible, and, unfortunately, the hustle and bustle of our fair city really can be too much. I hear ya, I used to love going downtown to see where my grandfather worked, thought it was so glamorous shopping on Michigan Avenue and going to the theater. But then you get older and realize there are plenty of nice shops, theaters, parks and the like in the suburbs and you don’t need to put yourself in the middle of the noise,wall to wall traffic, congestion and garbage to still have a nice day or night out. Now, the only reason I would go in the city is for a Cubs game, or to the Museum of Science and Industry, Shedd Aquarium, Planetarium or Field Museum (and I’ve even heard there is another equally good aquarium called the living seas in park ridge). I know it’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize a place you loved and were so set on calling your forever home changes, but it is a part of growing up.
I’m not saying you should move either, but maybe consider getting a winter or even a summer home somewhere in the country. Whichever season you think Chicago looks and feels the grossest (which strangely could be the summer, given the heat, dirt and congestion), think about finding a cottage or condo or something up in Michigan or similar to just get away and enjoy the beauty of summer without all the noise and dirt that goes with it. Believe me, you and Anthony both deserve it and if it helps you feel better, all the more reason!
Bottom line, so glad you had a nice getaway and just look ahead to your next trip, and keep feeling good!! Love you girl, keep getting stronger and can’t wait for you to meet Al one day soon!! 😀