I actually have a surprising light week coming up.  The calm before the storm.  Mentally and physically get strong this week before my body gets pummeled again.  Home stretch here.  Only 14 more chemo infusions left before all of this comes to a head.  I am nervous, excited and scared all at the same time.  It’s hard to think that this possibly be going into maintenance soon.  Hope for a clean bone marrow biopsy and it will be all good.  Fingers, toes and body crossed this leukemia gets out of my body.

Thoughts crawl into my head all the time about all the horrible things that can happen. It’s difficult to not think about these thoughts sometimes, let them seep in and take over.  I try to accept them for a moment and then banish them.  I am here everyday so far giving my whole self to this process.  Distractions definitely help.  Reading, going to yoga and walking.  There is just so much unknown until the next biopsy that it’s making it harder to think about a positive future when there may not be one.  That this could go on for many more months before anything else happens.  I don’t want a bone marrow transplant.  There are so many risks that it’s frightening.  I know that would be an end all solution but it’s just not something I am mentally prepared for I guess.  But when push comes to shove I really don’t have a choice in all this.  I will take what my body gives me.  Fucking blood.  So dumb.