Gilda Radner said it best, “Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club I’d rather not belong to.”

Her words could not be more accurate.  I am a part of something I really don’t ever want to be apart of.  I feel like every young adult with cancer feels this way.  It’s something that our peers cannot really relate to.  It’s hard to be the youngest person on the 21st floor(cancer floor at Northwestern Hospital), always, to get chemo or be at a doctor appointment.  Old people just staring at you, you can feel their eyes feeling sorry for you.  Nurses feeling sorry for you, because you don’t really or shouldn’t be there.  I wish I weren’t there.  I wish that most of this year wasn’t spent in a hospital.  75 total inpatient days. Over 160 different doctor appointments.  I haven’t even counted the chemo infusions.  You can take this elite club and shove it.  I want no part of this shit anymore.

Well yesterday’s doctor appointment and infusion became a lot longer and more intense than anticipated.  My platelets fell to 10, white blood cell count to 0.4, and hemoglobins to 8.4.  They fell fast and hard.  So I already had to get platelets, so my new count as of last night was 52.  Now today lumbar punch with IT chemo and afterward will be getting a bag of blood.  YAY.  I haven’t had to get transfusions since May.  Lots of just waiting and sitting for this girl today.  Hopefully they will rebound but I will be getting labs this morning and on Thursday to double check.  Fun stuff right at the end.

So I had the strangest dream last night.  I woke up remembering that I was digging a trench around our house.  I woke up crying with tears coming down my face, saying, “No more.  No more chemo.”  Anthony calmed me down pretty quick but it was just so weird.  Subconsciously I am over this whole chemo thing.  Good thing I only have three more infusions this course, I guess.

On a much happier note, since today is Halloween someone asked me, I think it was one of the infusion nurses if I was going to dress up, which the obvious answer is hell no.  Anyways if I were to I already have the best costume ever, cancer patient.  Okay well sexy cancer patient.  Anthony thinks this idea is completely inappropriate which makes it perfect.

Finally the last day of infusion chemo this week, still on oral chemos.  After today just three more infusions for course four and I am done.  Bone marrow biopsy after that to determine the rest of treatment.  Still feeling tired and nausea but there is nothing I can really do about that.  The joint aches and pain are starting to come back which means that my bone marrow is starting to regenerate.  Let’s get this over with already.

So the other day while walking back from the gym I saw a woman walking a wiener dog, an obese wiener dog.  His belly slightly hit the ground and his little legs looked like they were struggling under the weight.  Poor little dog wasn’t “walking” very fast anywhere.  He looked more like a little sausage than wiener dog.  Anyways this got me thinking.  I don’t particularly find wiener dogs all that cute but now I totally want one for the comedic value.  Yes, I would get a wiener dog and then name him Richard Head, Dick for short.  So every time someone would ask his name I could say “my wiener is named Dick Head.”  hahaha.  I think that is all that needs to be said about this subject.

I will warn you again, do not read this post, it may be a bit too much information that you don’t want to know.  Right now I am having a hard time between the delicate balancing act of constipation and diarrhea.  Almost everything I am on or taking causes constipation.  I am taking senna and miralax to combat the constipation but it is still a fine line that changes everyday.  I have never in my life thought so much about my bowel movements in my life.  It’s so important though.  I get asked about them every time I go get chemo and every single doctors appointment.  I mean hey you never know what will happen because one day you get cancer and next thing you know you shit yourself.  Ugh it’s the worst.

Fatigue and nausea are back in full effect.  Ugh, I can’t wait for the days when this is over.  As much as I wanted absolutely nothing to do with food yesterday I managed to keep drinking water and eat some dinner and lunch.  Still sore from my LP but it’s not as bad today as yesterday.  Last day of chemo this week.  I am still going to try to go to yoga this morning.  Get at it.  Keep it going.  I feel as though I am not just fighting for me but for my doctor team, my husband and my family.  I am fighting on their behalf.  We are a team, everyone plays an important role including myself.  Get it girl.

Oh yeah, levels were high enough to get this chemo party started.  Whoo too.  Day one done.  Three more to go this week.  LP with IT chemo today and another infusion of cyterabine.  Yes.  Finally the home stretch.  This is the last of it, and should if all goes well be done on November 10th, baring any delays.  I can’t wait.  Then bone marrow biopsy and we will see what happens.  Hopefully just maintenance and no bone marrow transplant.  Fingers, toes, and whole body crossed.  Home stretch.

Hospital everyday this week.  Chemo 4 out of 5 days this week.  Very busy.  Let’s hope my levels are where we need to be to get this chemo party started.  I don’t want any more delays.  Come on neutraphils.  I need to be at 750.  Let’s get this going so I can be done with you already.

Most, okay actually 99.9% of people don’t find cancer funny nor do they think cancer jokes are funny.  I am apart of the 0.01% that finds it hilarious.  I am an asshole though so that explains a lot.  I did have a lot of good jokes that came from having a stroke but since you can’t tell I had one, the comedic value just isn’t there anymore.  Back to just plain old cancer being funny. I mean after all it’s just a little kids cancer.  If you can’t laugh at it, what is the point.