Today is the last day of chemo in round 3 of treatment.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I will have a bone marrow biopsy next week and start round four witch is going to be way more intense than round three.  Not really looking forward to it but at least it’s almost over.  Going to the hospital later and hopefully infusion doesn’t take 6 hours.  Ugh, just so much waiting around.

It’s my dad’s 54th Birthday today.  Happy Birthday to a great man.

Yesterday, my family celebrated the life of my father in law.  He was such a funny and caring man.  My husband stole all of his dad’s jokes, which I still laugh at all the time.  He will truly be missed, but it is for the better.  He isn’t in any more pain and can watch down on all of us.  I love my family and it is heartbreaking to have to go through this right now. He was too young to go.  Below is his official obit.

Michael W., age 59, a longtime resident of Port Barrington, IL, passed away Tuesday, August 19, 2014 at Journey Care in Barrington. He was born on October 6, 1954 to Betty Jo (nee Wright) and Dorris Edward.

Michael was the beloved husband of Sue (nee Burns) of 40 years and loving father of Diana (Kevin), Tracey, and Anthony (Casey). He was the world’s best Paw-Paw to his grandchildren Paige and Travis.

Michael proudly served as a Port Barrington Board Member, as well as Police Commissioner until June of 2008 when he was appointed Village President until his term ended in 2013. He was an avid golfer, enjoyed softball, boating and spending time with his grandchildren.

Friends and family will gather on Saturday, august 23, 2014 from 1:00 PM until the time of the memorial service at 5:00 PM at Kisselburg-Wauconda Funeral Home, 235 N. Main St., Wauconda.

In lieu of flowers, memorials are appreciated to Gilda’s Club Chicago, www.gildasclubchicago.org/donate/ or to Journey Care, 405 Lake Zurich Road, Barrington, IL 60010.

I know that with cancer I am supposed or expected to have some life altering epiphany about how to live life, but I don’t feel like I am there yet.  Maybe I won’t have one.  I don’t know.  I just know I don’t want to die.  I am not ready yet.  It’s not my time.  I have plans and this whole cancer thing is really getting in the way of accomplishing those plans.  I know I love my family and friends, words can never really justify how truly grateful I am for all of the them.  I know I laugh more than I probably have in a long time.  I mean what else can really be thrown my way at this point?  To be honest if I don’t laugh at all the cancer/stroke/seizure shit, I would probably loose it and just cry all the time.  But who really has time for that?

Guilt.  Let’s talk about that for a second.  I feel guilty ALL the time.  It’s a constant feeling that I can’t get rid of.  I feel guilty about not being at work, not being there for my family, having to ask my husband and dad to alter their entire lives just to help me.  I feel guilty for feeling like shit all the time and can’t even go out to dinner with friends because I can’t stay awake past eight.  Maybe this never goes away?  I don’t know.  I feel guilty that my cancer is making me selfish, having to focus on take care of myself first always.  I know I should give myself a break but it’s so hard.  Maybe one day it will go away until then, I will just take it.

Not that I am counting or anything but I am so ready to be done with therapy.  I like the PT and OT portion of what I am doing and think it is extremely helpful, especially with my stamina and endurance.  I hate the speech portion that they have me participating in.  I think it is a waste of time for me.  I understand why they have me in speech for cognitive thinking after a stroke, but it just sucks doing “school-like” worksheets that half of them can’t even do.  It’s sad really.  That’s okay only eight therapy days left.  Just breathe and keep going.

The nausea is back in full effect, ugh.  I want more days that I don’t feel like puking all over myself.  It’s the little things I am asking for.  But at least I am not in the hospital.

I finally posted about my stroke and seizure hospital stay.  Since I don’t remember the majority of it, most was told back to me.  Just a few more weeks of rehab and hopefully that’s it.  I had my neuro follow up, which they believe I am not at risk to have another stroke, that it was primarily caused by the chemo drug, Peg-Asperegenas.  I probably spelled that incorrectly.  One worry out of the way.  If all goes according to plan I should be done with infusion chemo mid October.  I am in the home stretch and can see the finish line.  Just a last mile to go.  Just BREATHE and keep going.

I feel tired and worn out again due to the chemo.  The nausea is intense.  I can’t wait until this is all over with.  My body has been through a lot.  Mentally I have been through a lot.  I am exhausted on all fronts but I must keep forging forward.  Only two weeks left of rehab, thankfully.  My left side is getting stronger everyday.  Typing is getting easier/better everyday.  I must keep in mind the little progress I am making is still progress.  Fight I must, I have no choice.  Keep it going.

So it has been too long since I have posted anything.  Mainly due to the fact that I haven’t been able to type with my left hand.  Typing is still extremely slow but is getting better every day.  Having a stroke is definitely worse than just having cancer.  I go to rehab for 3 hours everyday to gain movement and strength.  I started chemo again about 3 weeks ago.  So it has been very busy.  I am wiped out by seven almost every night.  Re-learning how to use half of your body is exhausting.  I can walk just fine now, but still need improvement with my left hand.  I actually missed blogging while I could only use one hand.  This has been therapeutic to get some of my thoughts out of my head.

It has been too long since I have written.  Mostly because I can only really type with one hand.  I am learning how to use my left hand again, slowly.  Very slowly.

Finally back home after two weeks in the hospital.  Having a stroke and then seizure is not fun at all.  Now rehabbing this left side back to normal.

I have had about 12 of these but had never experienced the side effects until this time.  Let me tell you they are horrible.  I have pretty much been immobile for two days since the LP because of the pain and headache.  Not to mention the nausea and vomiting that has been happening as well.  Good thing I have to do it next week and for the next three weeks.  Oh, how I can’t wait.  Fuck these side effects, leaving me this way.  I haven’t even been able to sit up, let alone walk.  My schedule is all messed up.  I hate feeling like garbage.  These side effects are worse than just chemo.  I can’t wait to have just the normal chemo again.