So I have this weird pattern on my leg that looks like it’s following my veins and is red.  It doesn’t hurt or feel like anything.  I went to a dermatologist that specializes in cancer related issues.  My doctor is pretty sure it’s nothing to be worried about just monitor but it’s from slugging of the blood.  It’s typically related to clotting and other hematology issues.  Shocking I know.  Well she just wants to make sure that all avenues are explored and want to test for lupus, which is an auto immune disorder.  What lupus?  Fucking seriously.  Like the last three years of chemo couldn’t have taken care of that.   It’s not that she thinks it is causing it but just would rather be on the safe side.  I didn’t really panic and don’t think I have it but rather just hearing the words and wondering if this is something I will have to go through again brings up all the things that I have already gone through.  Even as I type this my hands are shaking and tears are welling in my eyes.  I am starting to sweat a little.  I think this is what PTSD is like.  Calm down I keep telling myself but I just can’t.  It’s like it’s never going to be over.  Will this arise every time something weird happens to my body?  This fear? Wondering?  What ifs?  Now I understand scanxiety.  I get it.  Physically I am done with the worst of the worst but my mental battle is just beginning.