Here we go.  Course four starts today.  I am nervous and excited at the same time.  Just get it done with already.  I am nervous about the end.  I am not really sure why.  I guess I just don’t want anything to go wrong.  No more delays.  No more problems or setbacks.  My threshold for good days is so low that is really sad.  I am not in the hospital=good day.  I didn’t feel like complete shit all day=good day.  I watched a law and order:SVU that I had not seen before(which is hard to imagine)=great day.  I had friends come over=amazing day.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy these days.  I think it’s probably a good thing. Humbling but good.  It’s really amazing the things we learn to live with or adapt to, are okay with.  Maybe some would call it settling but there is something to be said about not feeling like not wanting to throw up on yourself all day long.

So I annouced finally on Facebook about what I am going through.  I was so nervous about telling people.  Like somehow it wasn’t real if people didn’t know.  Like a really awful secret.  But it’s out there.  The words on a page for all to know.  Months ago I couldn’t even tell someone without crying and now it’s just out there.  It’s actually frightening.  I want to take it back and hide my secret again, forever.