Bone marrow results came back.  Not as great as I would have liked.  They did a flow cytometry test on the immature cells and they came back with signs of leukemia in them.  I still technically fit the medical definition of remission, which is having less than 5% leukemia cells.  I actually have less than 1% leukemia cells that show signs of leukemia.  So we are still forging forward with course four of chemo with no changes.  I have another bone marrow biopsy after this course, in approximately 51 days.  If there are still signs of leukemia in the bone marrow, then we will have to make some decisions about going forward with treatment.  When I heard this, I kind of went numb.  There is nothing we can do or have to do until after this next course so there is really nothing to “think” about.  But, realistically how can you not think about it.  I didn’t cry.  I wish I could have, maybe that would have helped.  I just feel numb.

I just want this to be over with already.  I have to say this, I don’t want to, but I have this horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach.  I have a very bad feeling.  This is the first time I have felt this way since this whole thing started.

Fuck you leukemia.  My body is rejecting me.  Killing me from the inside out.