Cold and rainy out.  Good to be at the hospital for appointments and infusion.

1. Chemo drugs: cytarabine, 6MP (only two today)
2. Weight back up finally to 114.  Getting dangerously close to having to drink Ensures in the morning.  Back up from 109.  Good thing.
3. Nausea level: okay this morning so far, just took a Lorazepam.  Love those things.

PSI bands that I purchased instead of wearing magnets with tape all day.  Jury is still out on how I feel about these.  Very bulky comparatively speaking to tape and also very itchy.  We will see, it has only been one day but may be going back to tape and magnets.  Just as long as these things help with nausea I may be okay with the bulk.  We will see how long these last.  Or may just wear going out and not an everyday wear.

I actually slept through the night last night even with having steroids on Tuesday with infusion.  Typically that doesn’t happen and I stay up half the night just hoping to fall back asleep.  Ohh wonderful, sleep.  I think  that is the first time sleeping through the night in over a month.

More chemo today, hopefully I will sleep through the night again.  That would be amazing.  Oh the little things, these days.

Whenever I think of destroying cancer, I think of little B cells working for the evil empire with light sabers (yes, think Star Wars) against my white blood cells with light sabers fighting for the rights of my body.  I am not sure why this cells in my body going at it with light sabers, so far those fucking B cells are getting fucked up.

Feeling good today.  Nausea isn’t that prominent today.  My port lines are up and running.  Had to get some Cath flow (not sure if that is how it it spelled) to get two of them going.  That’s about it for the day.

So it looks like next week will be go time again.  My levels are finally back up to what they need them to be to continue treatment.  Finally.  I feel like it takes forever and I understand that it’s for good reason but it just sucks.  Ugh.

Side note, I love my company that I work for.  I have a company car from them but not because I will be transitioning to “long term disability” they have to take my car back.  Which isn’t that big of deal since I think I have literally driven it twice since I have had it. But it just sucks to once again have to relay on other people for appointments and other things.  I just hate having to depend on other people for things.  Even the little things.  Tough to let go and ask for help, even still.

One more week of waiting for my neutraphil’s recover.  I am at .4 and need to be at least over .75.  Getting on with treatment is horrible.  The anticipation is worse than treatment and starting to give me anxiety.  Along with this nausea it it almost unbearable.  Ugh.  Just get on with it.

There are no other words to describe how I am feeling and have felt these last few days.  I spend most of my day just trying not to throw up on myself.  THIS totally sucks.  Fuck you cancer.  I feel like shit and can hardly keep food down.  Hopefully this phase ends soon, I can’t take it.  I hate the feeling of almost throwing up.  Ugh.  Any suggestions are welcome.  🙁